As grandparents, we usually have the benefit of interacting with our grandkids on a level that is once removed from the day-to-day responsibilities of parents. For many of us, grandparenting means a weekend together every now and then, an afternoon play date, an evening babysitting, a summer vacation, or chats on the phone. But when life circumstances change – through divorce, the death of parents, or changes to a parent’s work or school-related responsibilities, for example it often falls to grandparents to assume full or part-time responsibility for their grandchildren.
Also known as “kinship care,” a growing number of grandparents are now taking on the parenting role for their grandchildren. 90,000 grandchildren are being raised by a grandparent in Oklahoma.
This often means giving up leisure time, the option for travel, and many other aspects of independence. Instead, you once again take on responsibility for the day-to-day maintenance of a home, schedules, meals, homework, and play. And if it is tragic circumstances that require you to step into the role of a parent, you will face many other stress factors, such as coping with your own and your grandchildren’s grief.
Raising your grandchildren, while challenging, can also be incredibly rewarding. Yes, you may have to deal with colicky babies or moody teenagers, but you will experience a much greater connection to your grandchild’s world, including their school and leisure activities. You may also find yourself rolling back the years, rejuvenated by the constant companionship of much younger people. You will derive immense satisfaction from providing your grandchildren with a safe, nurturing, and structured home environment in which to grow and feel loved. Here are some tips:
- Acknowledge your feelings. It’s important to acknowledge and accept what you are feeling, both positive and negative. Don’t beat yourself up over your doubts and misgivings. It’s only natural to feel some ambivalence about childrearing at a time when you expected your responsibilities to be dwindling. These feelings don’t mean that you don’t love your grandchildren.
- Take care of yourself. You weren’t expecting to be raising kids again at this state of your life. At times, the physical, emotional, and financial demands are overwhelming. When you are preoccupied with the daily demands of raising grandkids, it’s easy to let your own needs fall by the wayside. But taking care of yourself is a necessity, not a luxury. You cannot be a good caretaker when you are overwhelmed, exhausted, and emotionally depleted. In order to keep up with your grandkids, you need to be calm, centered, and focused. Looking after your own mental and physical health is how you get there.
- Realize your grandkids will have mixed feelings too. Moving to a new home is never easy, even in the best of circumstances. When children are dealing with the loss of regular contact with their parent or parents, the move is even harder. It will take some time for your grandchildren to adjust, and in the meantime, they may act especially contrary and difficult. And, if the children have suffered from emotional neglect, trauma, or abuse, those wounds will not disappear just because they are now in a safe place. They will need time to heal.
- Focus on creating a stable environment. While it will take your grandkids time to adjust to their new living arrangement, there are steps you can take to make the transition easier. Above all, your grandchildren need to feel secure. Children thrive in an environment that is stable and predictable.
- Encourage open and honest communication. Communicating openly and honestly with your grandchildren is one of the best things you can do to help them cope with their new situation. It’s especially important to take the time to really listen to your grandkids. In this difficult time, they need an adult they can go to with their questions, concerns, and feelings.
If you are a grandparent raising a grandchild, Aging Services, Inc. can help you with respite vouchers to help you take care of you and/or your grandchild in a way that gives you a much-needed break. We can help you with vouchers to help pay for respite from raising your grandchild or grandchildren. We also have support groups, caregiving training, and other resources. Please call 405-321-3200 and ask for Diane. We want to help you raise your grandchild with all the challenges and rewards that this time in your life can bring.
by Tammy C. Vaughn, Aging Services, Inc.
